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12 Jan 2017

IELTS Writing Sample with comments / feedback: Discussion essay

IELTS Writing Sample with comments / feedback: Discussion essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country. 

Nowadays, they have more opportunity to study abroad. 

What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

An answer by my student in an IELTS class:

       Today, different individuals have varied options about the study option. Some people tend to study in their own country, while other prefer to study abroad. Hence, I would give sone reasons why study abroad better based on my experience.
         There are various reasons why people believe that they have to study in their own country. In this case, study in theirs make them easier than abroad. They don't have to learn about english fluently, because mostly use their own languages. They shouldn't pay expensive living cost. Hence, they feel comfortable at all
         On the other hand, there are some people who believe that they are advantaged by studying abroad. However, studying abroad give them more experiences. It can increase their value as individual by learning in new places. Studying abroad challenge people to get out from their comfort zone, and learn eduacation system as a modern country.
         Additionally, based on my personal experienc that i gathered when went to Japan, I felt there were many things we could get when abroad. Such as, their attitude, discipline, and their education system. 
        To conclude, there are more advantages by studying abroad. It could build our personal value, self confidence, and independent. Thus, it could open our eyes that we could do better things to our country. (214 words)

My feedback

Task Achievement: 5 (214 words); needs more to be balanced (1st body is very limited; the two main ideas are less adequately developed) – I would give a 6 if the author has at least 250 words.

Coherence & cohesion (6): central topic for the third body is not very clear; could be better if put within the same paragraph, or at least one (or two advantages) is well developed. The author mentions a number of advantages, yet lacking details. Linkers are used quite well (e.g., on the other hand, however). Referencing seems to be repetitive (studying abroad – options)

Lexical resource (5.5): Sufficient (6); little or no attempts for less common lexis (5); spelling errors, word formation/choice do not impede communication (6)

Grammar (6): mixed with simple; errors happen, yet they do not hinder communication

Overall: 5.5


Some advice for improvement

        Today, different individuals have varied options about the study option. Some people tend to study in their own country, while other prefer to study abroad. Hence, I would give sone reasons why study abroad better based on my experience.
Different individuals may have varied options … In this essay, I would give some ….
         There are various reasons why people believe that they have to study in their own country. In this case, study in theirs make them easier than abroad. They don't have to learn about english fluently, because mostly use their own languages. They shouldn't pay expensive living cost. Hence, they feel comfortable at all
Pursuing education in one`s own country would be far easier to the extent that he need not spend time studying another language as a preparation to study abroad. Another edge would be due to the fact that he may not need to provide hefty accommodation invoices if he decides to study in a university located in the same place as where he is currently living. Moreover, ….
         On the other hand, there are some people who believe that they are advantaged by studying abroad. However, studying abroad give them more experiences. It can increase their value as individual by learning in new places. Studying abroad challenge people to get out from their comfort zone, and learn eduacation system as a modern country.
Others, on the other hand, seem to believe that studying abroad gives far more experiences such as
         Additionally, based on my personal experienc that i gathered when went to Japan, I felt there were many things we could get when abroad. Such as, their attitude, discipline, and their education system. 
Additionally, based on my personal experience when I visited Japan, I would tend to suggest that (mention one reason and develop it)

___________________________________________________________________________________________
Feedback was provided by Muhammad Ahkam Arifin, graduating from the University of Edinburgh in MSc TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages). He took a class of Language Testing during his studies in Edinburgh, where he had the opportunity to learn how to understand `a rating scale`, as how it is used in the IELTS test. Now, he is actively working as an IELTS tutor. 

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